2 Samuel 1

The Proper Way to Grieve

2 Samuel 1

(uncover casket from the stage and explan…)

Death is the great enemy with a painful sting. We know that as believers, death does not have a final victory over us nor an ultimate sting, but that does not mean we are good at handling death. I think the reasons for this are both theological and practical. Our theological weakness is that we do not have a sufficient understanding of the glories of Jesus Christ and eternity in his presence. James says that our life is but a vapor. When you blow your breath on a cold morning, how long does the vapor last? It only lasts a few seconds. Our life is a vapor—a few seconds of existence compared to eternity. We have theological weaknesses concerning death, but we also have practical weaknesses. The fact is, we just don’t experience death in the same magnitude as the rest of people throughout the history of the world have experienced it.

Johann Sebastian Bach is considered the greatest musical composer in the western world. At the end of each composition, Bach always wrote a Latin phrase which meant, “To the glory of God alone.” Like everyone in the 16^th century, Bach was not a stranger to death. He returned home from a lengthy business trip to find that his wife had become ill, had died and was buried while he was gone. Between two wives, Bach had twenty children, eleven of whom died. Thankfully, modern medicine has drastically reduced suffering and has lengthened our lives, but this same blessing has a double edge to it, for this has caused us to be more insulated from death. Don’t get me wrong—I am not wishing that we had a higher death rate, but I am saying that this insulation from death has had the effect of stifling our grief. We don’t experience death as much as people like Bach in past ages, we don’t talk about death and we don’t teach about grief.

David was acquainted with death and grief. David’s arch nemesis, King Saul, died on the battlefield, but his closest friend Jonathan also died in the same battle. In the first chapter of 2 Samuel, we have a record of David’s reaction to these deaths. We have a record of his grief that can teach us about grief and prepare us for the grief of death.

¹⁷David took up this lament concerning Saul and his son Jonathan, ¹⁸and ordered that the men of Judah be taught this lament of the bow (it is written in the Book of Jashar):

¹⁹“Your glory, O Israel, lies slain on your heights.

How the mighty have fallen!

²⁰“Tell it not in Gath,

proclaim it not in the streets of Ashkelon,

lest the daughters of the Philistines be glad,

lest the daughters of the uncircumcised rejoice.

²¹“O mountains of Gilboa,

may you have neither dew nor rain,

nor fields that yield offerings of grain.

For there the shield of the mighty was defiled,

the shield of Saul—no longer rubbed with oil.

²²From the blood of the slain,

from the flesh of the mighty,

the bow of Jonathan did not turn back,

the sword of Saul did not return unsatisfied.

²³“Saul and Jonathan—

in life they were loved and gracious,

and in death they were not parted.

They were swifter than eagles,

they were stronger than lions.

²⁴“O daughters of Israel,

weep for Saul,

who clothed you in scarlet and finery,

who adorned your garments with ornaments of gold.

²⁵“How the mighty have fallen in battle!

Jonathan lies slain on your heights.

²⁶I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother;

you were very dear to me.

Your love for me was wonderful,

more wonderful than that of women.

²⁷“How the mighty have fallen!

The weapons of war have perished!”

The first thing to notice is that David was mourning over both Jonathan and Saul. We can understand why David would mourn for Jonathan. We only get small glimpses into their lives, but the Bible is clear that they shared a deep, covenant friendship. But why would David have grieved over Saul? If we are honest with ourselves, there are probably one or two people we have known, when they died, we were not too upset about it. Maybe we didn’t throw a party, but neither did we shed a tear. How was it possible then, for David to have grieved over the death of Saul? We saw this answer two weeks ago. It is because David had already forgiven Saul. There is no question that David honored Saul in his death simply because he was the Lord’s anointed. Saul was accorded respect for the same reason we are instructed to honor our leaders, whether or not we like them. But I am convinced that for David, his grief over Saul was much more than mere formality. David had worked through his anger and natural desire for revenge many years before Saul died. For this reason, David was able to honor the positive memory of Saul as having been a great military leader. Do you recall why the Israelites first asked Samuel for a king? They wanted a king who could lead them in battles against their enemies. If nothing else, Saul had been a strong military leader. Nevertheless, David could honestly mourn for Saul because David had no regrets. He had forgiven Saul and he had acted righteously before Saul.

Often, one of the most painful parts of grief is dealing with our regrets. If we harbored bitterness against the one who died, we will carry that bitterness beyond the grave. Not only will bitterness outlast the grave, but our guilt will also live on strong long after the funeral. If we have offended or done harm to the other person and have not asked for forgiveness or attempted reconciliation, our guilt will drag behind us for years like a ball and chain. Genuine grief is difficult enough without being mingled by bitterness and guilt. This is why the Bible speaks so clearly about Godly relationships. David had a Godly relationship with Saul because David acted with righteousness toward Saul, regardless of how Saul treated him. In the same way, each of us can have Godly relationships with every person in our life, even if they hate our guts. My point is not that you should repair your strained relationships just so you will have an easier time of it when that person dies. We should be repairing and strengthening all of our relationships all of the time simply because it is the right thing to do. We should repair and strengthen our relationships because it flows from the gospel of Jesus Christ, but as an added bonus, when we act with Godliness and integrity, the pain of our grief will be significantly lessened because it will not have bitterness and guilt attached to it.

Closely related to this point is the fact that David thought it was heinous to rejoice at the death of an enemy. In verse twenty, David wrote, “Tell it not in Gath, proclaim it not in the streets of Ashkelon, lest the daughters of the Philistines be glad, lest the daughters of the uncircumcised rejoice.” It pained David to know that while he and his comrades were grieving, his enemy the Philistines would be rejoicing. In the summer after the start of the war in Iraq, the two sons of Saddam Hussein were killed in a gun battle. Our family happened to be sitting in a church service in Madison when someone announced the news of their deaths. Immediately there was a roar of approval and applause. I know it was just a gut level reaction, but it really bothered me that hundreds of Christians would be clapping because two people who had just been shot to death. They were rejoicing over the death of our enemies. At times like this, we very well may have a sense of satisfaction in terms of justice. It is just and right to punish evil deeds, but may we never rejoice at the death of anyone, even our enemies.

I recently read about an interesting way to show love for our enemies. Someone started a website called Adopt a Terrorist for Prayer. I admit it sounds a little different, but it is based on sound theology—Jesus teaching in Matthew 5. “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…” The founder of the website believes that the war on terror is ultimately a spiritual battle waged with spiritual weapons. Can you name a terrorist from first century Christianity? Saul, the Pharisee clearly fits the full definition of a terrorist. Don’t you think that numerous Christians “adopted” Saul the terrorist for prayer?

The third thing we learn from David is how he was a leader in the grieving process. For the most part, we become passive participants in the grieving process. Grief is something that just happens to us and the process is largely removed from our hands. The funeral director takes care of the body of the deceased, the pastor manages the funeral service and if we are lucky, our friends and family take care of our other needs. It is wonderful to have all of these services provided for us, but in a way, these things can also serve to further isolate us from the grieving process. But David took a very active role. David led the soldiers in battle but he also led them in grief. Being a writer and singer of songs, he composed a lament for Saul and Jonathan, which was preserved for us as part of God’s holy word. He not only composed this lament, but he also commanded that the lament be learned by the men of Judah. Also, in verse twelve he led the way in mourning and fasting.

I admit that there is no Bible verse which reads, “Thou shalt be active in leading the grieving process,” but I believe there is wisdom to be learned from David. The following are some ways to be more active in the grieving process.

1. Don’t be so afraid of grief. This might be a word of encouragement that is especially needed for men. Our culture has been made up of mostly western Europeans who are typically staid and reserved. For generations, boys were raised with the strict teaching that real men don’t cry. By contrast, Middle Eastern culture, of which the Bible is rooted in, is just the opposite. In their culture, crying and weeping flow as easily as beer and brats at a baseball game. This does not mean that all men must transform themselves into a fountain of tears, but neither do we have to hold in all of our emotions like a corked volcano. Don’t be so afraid of the grief. Grief is supposed to hurt. The severing of close relationships, even with the hope of eternal glory, will always be painful. There is no need to pretend that it is easy.

2. Feel free to take an active role of some kind in the funeral. As a pastor, I want you to know that I will always welcome all manner of participation in the funeral service, for those who wish to do so. I will always be glad that I said a few words at my dad’s funeral. As I spoke, I pulled a Pinewood Derby car that my dad had made, out of the pocket of my suit coat to use as an illustration. Certainly not everyone will want to or be able to speak at the funeral of a loved one. Some have written things that have been read by another person. Others have written poetry, chosen the songs, or whatever. I would never want anyone to feel burdened by taking too active a role, but neither would I want anyone to feel left out. Even if I am not officiating the funeral, I would encourage you to take an active part in the process. Ask the presiding minister what part you can play in the process.

3. This is advice more for those who are supporting the person who is mourning: just show up. Some of you will remember when Doris Riley passed away suddenly. I spent the night with Mike because he was all alone. Early the next morning, a friend of Mike’s pulled into the driveway in his late model pick-up and knocked on the door. We sat and drank coffee together and at one point when Mike walked into another room, his friend said to me, “I just don’t what to say to Mike.” I responded, “I am a pastor and I don’t know what to say in this case. The most important thing is that you are here. You are the first friend of Mike’s to show up, and that means the world to him.”

The next thing I want to mention does not flow directly from this passage, but it does flow from the life of David. David’s son Solomon was the author of Ecclesiastes, which contains some excellent instruction about grief. Chapter seven reads…

It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting,

for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart.

Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart. (Eccl. 7:2-3)

This passage does not do well in our modern entertainment culture. If you had a choice between going to see the latest blockbuster movie or attending the funeral of a co-worker’s mother, which would you choose? Depending on the circumstances, you may feel obligated to attend the funeral, but which would you rather do? Ultimately we prefer the movie because it is fun and exciting and a funeral is sad and depressing. This is one of those verses that has to sink in slowly, because at first reading, it sounds absurd a bit macabre. But notice the reason for choosing a funeral over a movie: for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart. Funerals remind us that our life is but a vapor. A house of mourning continually teaches us that death has an unbreakable grip on us and is pulling us into the grave.

Times of feasting and celebration are totally different. Not everyone who attends a college graduation party will share the experience of graduating from college. Not everyone who attends a wedding or a baby shower will share in the experience of being married or having their own children. But everyone who goes to a house of mourning, everyone who attends a funeral service will one day be lying in a casket. At every funeral, some are closer to the grave than others, but everyone is headed toward the same fate. That we know of, only two people in all of history have gone straight to Heaven without experiencing death—Elijah and Enoch—and unless the Lord returns to rapture his church, it’s not very likely any of us will follow in their footsteps. Therefore, funerals are not just to honor the memory of the dead, but to rouse the conscience of the living. Funerals should force us to ask important questions. Am I ready to die? On what basis am I confident of eternal life with Christ? Am I living in such a way that shows this life is only a vapor? Am I prepared to meet Jesus on the great white throne and the judgment seat? Am I living my life as if this is all there is? If you examine my life, is there evidence that I believe in eternity? What am I doing right now to store up treasures in heaven? We should learn to agree with the wisdom of David’s son: It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart.

Did you notice that David’s lament did not mention God even once? Although this is an interesting fact, I don’t think we should be troubled by it. The lament was intended to honor Saul and Jonathan. We must not mistake it for a Christian funeral message. However, it is not as if we are lacking God-centered poetry from David, or even God-centered poetry about death from David. One of the best passages has to be Psalm 68.

¹⁹Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.

²⁰Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign Lord comes escape from death.

Now here is a passage that will preach at any Christian funeral. “Our God is a God who saves.” This truth, of course, is at the foundation of all grieving. As Paul wrote to the church in Thessalonica: Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. You can grieve with bitterness and guilt. You can grieve without hope. But we don’t have to grieve in this way. Grief will always hurt, but it doesn’t have to destroy us or paralyze us. We don’t have to grieve without hope. Death is the destiny of every man and woman, and we, the living, should take this to heart. But every death can also be a reminder of our Savior. Every funeral demands an answer to the question: “Is this all there is?” Is life but a vapor and then we return to the ground? No! For we declare together with David, the psalmist: (read together) Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.

Rich Maurer

April 13, 2008